Determination

I can drive.

I can speak.

I can read.

I can form independent opinions.

But however, I have several disabilities. GI issues. Autism. ADHD. Minor musculoskeletal deviations/stress that can cause big pain in waves.

I wake up every morning with my right ankle hurting so bad I limp or a few minutes.

I cannot stand for hours in a supermarket, otherwise I get very tired and have back pain.

I get back pain from sitting for long periods. Even though this is recommended for my job.

And also, my biggest disability isn't even acknowledged formally by most people. I call it "human integration disorder".

Eating, walking, working, showering, and doing basic human tasks, if I had to do it once in a while, I'd be okay. However, when it becomes routine, and repetitive, because we live as consciousness in a human body - it becomes cripplingly hard.

When you have more "severe" HID like I do:

- You become more sensitive to your own pain and suffering, and have far less tolerance for routinely, repetitive tasks that demand constant physical and mental human effort out of you - to the point that just doing that for a few years constantly drives you to the edge and can result in a mental health hospitalization. Happened to me several times.

- You might need internet body doubling just for basic self-care (with camera turned off for shower).

- Symptoms can fluctuate back and forth, but the disorder stays.

- You don't feel human in any way at all. You might hate being human. Absolutely hate being human. Even if it's subconscious in nature.

- Almost all foods give you GI problems.

- You are not comfortable in your body nor in many environments on Earth.

- People think you're not happy anywhere but that's not true, you just need very specific conditions to thrive.

- You have very uneven capabilities.

- You nered very specific conditions to thrive.

- You resort to seemingly drastic measures to compensate because there's not enough versatile options.

- The moment your body decides to heal itself, whenever it tries to 'tie the knot', it messes up worse.

My autism is considered low support needs. But my HID feels like it's MSN/HSN (moderate to high support needs).

I am not giving myself disabilities. I am discovering what I already have.

And yet, I persist.