Figured out over time that I have a High Need/Drive for Autonomy. I don't have Pathological Demand Avoidance, but I just hate so deeply any kind of social authority. Do I follow basic laws and act like a decent human being? Yes. I have empathy and a moral conscience. There are rules in society that we follow as guideposts to harmonize our collective. However, I hate this societal paradigm of control and power over others so much that it sent me into a mental crisis so many times. For example, I live in a group home and just being asked to do chores drives me crazy.
I also have
fluctuating, unpredictable wonkiness in my health. It’s not 100% stable.
Mentally and physically. I use my walking when I can. I do things that I can do
when I can. I work out when I can. I can’t go beyond that and have to really listen
to my body, mind and soul. Otherwise, I crash.
I am a complex plant and need very freeform leeway to do what I need to do otherwise I implode really fast. Some degree of structure is nice, like with schooling, and keeping my space orderly and clean, however, I can't keep up with so many tasks to do at once. It's not just tiredness, but actually I feel so enslaved every single time. My whole soul screeches.
I need more support than I believed. I need some other people to help me fulfill my work. I can't do all this by myself alone! So far I have a group of IRL friends.
I just simply want freedom. Within reason.
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