Realization

I noticed something. Isolation and homesickness go hand in hand for me.

Then people tell me that I am never alone and that I am already "home".
I mean, it makes sense, but there's probably something that would help me recover from this emotional issue better.

And at the bottom of my hierarchy of spiritual needs, there is the sense of life purpose. 
Which I put "being home" or "feeling like home" in that layer...
Like trying to squish in the layer almost a cinder block.
And when this layer is threatened, that's when I shut down or crumble apart the most.

And if I can't form spiritual connections with my soul family on Earth who are incarnated then it compromises both my life purpose and my connection with "home". That's how connected these layers are.

And then I am forced to be my own best friend, my own home, and form my own purpose. When I felt that I have nothing else, that's what I did. It's like a failsafe, but a very, VERY painful one. Also because we live in a physically limited realm.

Like the worst emotional pain ever, that failsafe, to me. That's like if I am denied actualizing my vitality and personhood and I risk becoming a doomed recluse. Like, risking it all. At the same time, it was necessary for me to learn to embody what I really needed.

Because if I don't, I risk becoming stuck in esoteric waiting games. Forever.