I am beginning to suspect I may struggle with what the neurodiverse community calls demand avoidance. This is weighing a ton on my functioning.
Simple chores make me feel very, VERY frustrated. I get tired easily as my body copes with it by trying to shut down while I just "do it" anyway. The sheer gray monotony and everyday tedium of the routines imposed by people drive me nuts and existentially depressed. And then folks have the audacity to constantly tell me I do everything wrong? I feel like I'm a slave every single day.
I shiver at the idea of doing this my whole life. In the last year I went to the hospital several times because of burnout and depression, and even with me being a rather sensitive soul, I wanted too much to escape the reality of life's "normal" social and physical demands and wished to end myself because I can't handle it for decades longer. They could never help me because I live in a residential mental health facility. I feel like something is so wrong with me.
When I do a demand enthusiastically and genuinely, it's because it is part of a process or development that uplifts me. But every single day, I have to tell myself, "do I really have to take care of this human body again?"
At the same time, I think this is pathological language, and being how I am, if you know me well you'll know that I thrive in autarky and hate hierarchies.
If only I was given more choice.
I'm not being whiny or grumpy. This is a wiring I have. I am not made to do this all the time.
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