Verbalflux / Semi-conversational

I realized I'm verbalflux and semi-conversational. It doesn't show at first, but I experience this.

I started to use text-to-speech and AAC to accommodate my verbal experience. I have a lot of frustration in not being always able to initiate a conversation or having "something to say" or keep a spontaneous flow of conversation. I have so much to say. The problem is that I have difficulty just encrypting my complex ideas into a coherent verbal format, and it's been a very long time that I have trouble with speaking up in group convos on voice or IRL, which shows itself as perpetual silence on my part. I also experience stark social anxiety in certain situations. Or sometimes I am tired and just don't feel like talking vocally.

And in conversation, I might sometimes just be able to reply with very short utterances. "Yeah", "mhm", "no", "what?", "sounds good", etc.

In real life, I often talk to adress a need, convey information about a topic of interest, or, to answer to a question or other prompt.

And the worst part is when people ask me a thousand questions just to make small talk.

I do not use icon-based AAC that much, because it doesn't suit me to just look constantly for folders and dig through categories to find one word every time and go back to the start menu and repeat the same action. This irritates me so much. Besides, I can type. I use prescripted text prompts in my apps when I want to reiterate a statement. so I do not have to type it all over again.

I am learning to adapt and navigate through my own neurodivergences.

UPDATE: Risk of imminent collapse

Okay so this is a very important update concerning me.

There's a risk I won't move out now. Not 100% but like 50%. I had secured my spot in an apartment in a sublease, but I received disappointing answers from my conservator and social worker. I will hear the formal decision tomorrow.

If they decline my request to be allowed to move out, I don't know what to do but I want to scream at them that they failed me, that the system failed me and that they should have never been in my case.

I think I'm going to resort to drastic measures if they are too adamant on refusing.

They will have told me that I worked my ass off for years and years only for them to never see my potential. There would be no good in continuing to perform and tire myself out, trapped in the system.

Honestly, I think I will just run away for good if that happens. I'll just pack my suitcase and elope, never to look back. No choice. I'd rather be elsewhere than continue living in a group home. I would have to leave behind what I started doing, for self-preservation. I once said I'd rather be homeless than live in the institutional system.

And wait until I get invited or contacted by the Inner Earth peoples or ETs while the system collapses around me.

It feels like I simultaneously both want and don't want it to happen.

If it's not paid, I'm not doing it

I live in a group home facility. Basically the weekly schedule assigns everyone a number of chores per week.

Sadly we do not have access yet to technologies that could literally replace most of the handiwork in cleaning, even though the LF's physical intervention is necessary at this point.

And guess what the problem is? All of these chores are unpaid, the full time you live here. Even worse, some of us are on disability and don't work. They have no reward, no compensation. You just suffer through it, and I can't stand it. Only the 'optional' ones for the season like shoveling or mowing the lawn are, at my house, and even then, it's not much compensation.

You only get financially compensated in life if you have accidents or injuries at work, are so blatantly abused that the court is on your side, or are affected by obvious medical malpractice. Good luck with the less evident mistreatment. The system is hard to convince.

Even the upstairs neighbor at my mom's apartment compensated me for bringing her bottles to the recycling place.

Otherwise, it's slavery. SLAVERY. It is uncompensated labor that you are told to do just because.

That's how I see it. If I am not compensated for my hard labor, then it's worth nothing. AND THE SAME APPLIES TO LIGHTWORK and whatever is the 'prosperity funds' in some way or another. Our suffering and hard work needs to be fully compensated! Even other planets could maybe sometimes use 'mana' as currency!

It's not petty. It's the truth!

The Truth

I hate being here. So deeply it's indescribable. Earth isn't my home either at all despite having lived several lifetimes here in a row. My home is Lyra. It's not necessarily a matter of "how long I have to live here", but a matter of severe exhaustion and needing to see my star family once again, which limits how long I can reasonably live here without ending up into extreme suffering.

If nothing direct and substantial happens, such as Physical Intervention and Contact, I doubt I would see myself live past 30. And all of the 'new' younger Lightworkers who more recently incarnated... they'll have to suffer too.

Let me share, if that's not too straightforward and brutally honest, a recent real-life instance of the early stages of Lightworker collapse:

Just less than a week ago, I ended up begging God to take me when I sleep. Yes, again. My mental health fluctuates constantly and flips again and again thanks to this entire fiasco and my own problems. 

Almost like a unipolar depression. I couldn't stand it. But He insisted again that I stay for now. I woke up the next day disappointed but understanding. So the verdict is, I can't leave yet. I even had ideations of finding dealers for fentanyl and OD'ing myself, or signing up for MAID in 2027 when Canada *could* potentially accept mental illness cases (again, if NOTHING ever changes by then). I get phases like that, and often. I'm concerned about the day when this 'phase' happens again and risks becoming permanent. Hospitals refuse to deal with me because they're overloaded and I'm not psychotic, and none specializes in our spiritual matters. Crisis centers don't help, because they just... don't have a lot, and they can't welcome you in if you're in a group home. Besides, I am trying to organize a roommate living timeline. Therapy is so-so, but it doesn't resolve the core problem. The core problem is ENVIRONMENTAL. Even a nurse at a hospital quickly realized that about me!

I want to prove myself as an example of what could happen if they don't do anything. I'm not even saying this as a way to say my lifeline absolutely depends on intervention and contact.. but it kinda does. I have no other options right now. I compare my situation to being a patient at the Starseed/Lightworker intensive care unit. I don't care, I'll accept almost anywhere they send me when I get contacted. Be it a positive military base with ETs, or an exoplanet. If they eventually said "You'll be sent to Mars for 5 years" I'd agree at this point because honestly, fuck this place. Better yet, if I can choose. And yes, I am aware of the presence of bases on Mars and ETs. This is so sad because my life projects REQUIRE E.T. contact to fully happen. I know I said I can't just wait for that, but I do have spiritual agreements. I need to get the real immersion, and I have profound grief of not seeing them face to face.

To those who are meant to intervene on Earth: DO IT.

This is how I really feel.

"Women and children first"

It's not a contest by any means.. but in a hypothetical situation where starseeds/lightworkers were to be extracted or go home according to priority levels, I suggest strongly that the most desperate requesters may go first, especially since they have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going home. I have two people in mind.

I want to go home in back-and-forth trips (not permanent leave yet) by either level 1 or 2 priority. If I can't go at level 1, then it should be level 2. But not whatever comes last or after that. (Level 3, etc.)

However, if let's say, there was a very long wait between level 1 and 2, I'd vouch to take me on level 1.

Let's hope it doesn't happen this way. I feel that we should all go together.

Conclusion

I think we as a community have come to a consensus.

Early 2026 is the very maximum timeframe in which a physical intervention can happen realistically without protractions of intervention timeframes causing the implosion of Lightworkers and our community in general.

We can't always be put into a framework where we are scapegoated for our human instability, because the Ascended Masters and "Light Forces" have done already so much to help rehabilitate humanity.

But at the same time are we the ones also scapegoating the astral forces for our misfortune?

Yes, and no. I mean, there are absolutely beings who can directly cause harm. No soul signs up voluntarily for satanic ritual abuse.

This isn't about triangulating who's the victim, savior or perpetrator. This is about redemption. Trust. Healing. Recovery. Intervention. Contact. Those six words resume what we need since decades.

I know that the first "disclosure" happened thousands of years ago.. but knowledge gets lost over time as societal entropy grows and agendas erase and deform info.

Intervention and rehabilitation with humanity go hand-in-hand. You can't help us recover 100% without some sort of footing on Earth as an ET or Ascended Master at all.

You guys (Masters and LFs) have done it before with older civilizations. It's time to do it again.

We don't need infiltrations. We don't need protraction. We don't need assumptions.

We need a renaissance.

Health Update

I remember my old wheelchair and how safe, stable and comfortable it felt. I feel like I'm craving a therapeutic connection with one to help rebalance myself.

My soul / Higher Self has been pinging me for a month now about this. I was window shopping wheelchairs for a reason.

Yes, I'm ambulatory, but.

Not using a wheelchair “for fun”. There are genuine health reasons like fatigue and being easily drained, and mental reasons.

When I say mental, I say that I am using one as a therapeutic tool for my autistic tendencies and fatigue making constant full use of my body really uncomfortable, and after years of horrible stress, depression and trauma degrading my health, I need rest. I don’t feel comfortable walking all the time anymore.

I find myself unable to fulfill a fully able-bodied, pseudo-normal lifestyle anymore. Even if I walk a lot, something feels.. not right.

• No, it's not a fetish.
• No, it's not part of my identity.
• No, I am not transabled.
• No, I don't have Munchausen's or BIID.
• No, it's not self-disempowerment, pity-seeking or victimhood.
• No, I'm not deliberately avoiding something or handicapping myself.

However, I feel like at the age of 23 in my physical expression, using my entire body all the time is not good for my mental health and autistic tendencies. I have to take the bus all the time. Walk miles and miles. It’s draining. Especially for fatigue, and when I’m at school I just can barely keep up.

• Yes, I'm aware there are people who need one more than I do. But think in terms of Abundance, not Scarcity. There's one out there for you if you need one, that is best fitted to your needs.
• Yes, you just saw me get up and walk, jump, run, or ride a bicycle. I'm ambulatory.
• Yes, I am aware of the limitations of using one.
• Yes, I have a history of neuropsychological conditions. All diagnosed.

My brain just works in weird ways. So of course my statement is going to seem odd.

I am clearly not on the same frequency as many others and my body needs rest after years and years of horrible anxiety, trauma and depression.

Here are the reasons I will use a wheelchair part-time again, if anyone asks:

• My soul, body and mind are TIRED as fuck. It's all interconnected.
• Recentering/therapeutic assistance tool.
• Preserving my stamina and energy for the day. I find myself often sleeping and being limited in how much I can accomplish in my day if always use my full body.
• I thought I was "cured" from everything. But what I repress always ends up resurfacing in different ways.

My group home and psychiatrist cannot yet know about this decision. They might shun me or disapprove. So I'm only going to consult my GP for this for now. He already gave me prescriptions for a wheelchair, twice in 2024.