"Beck"

 BECK: “Place’s empty. I guess... uh... hello?”

The hangar was vacant of any human trace, yet it smelled like someone had been here recently.

...

BECK:”Speak up if anyone is here”

As Beck approached the half-open door at the other side of the hangar, she turned on the light and saw a young, petite blonde woman, in a gown, connected to three cables emerging from her upper back, leading to a hole in the ground. The subject was stuck inside of a small cell, sitting in a fetal posture.

BECK: “Um..”

SONG: “Quiet. Don’t let them know you saw me”

BECK: “The hell are these wires?”

SONG: “They control me”

BECK: “Oh, great.. do you know anything about this wretched place I got sent in after cursing someone?”

SONG: “It’s not just a base. Don’t let them trick you. It’s a containment and experimentation zone”

BECK: “I assumed, because I was abducted and sent here without any form of trial or court proceeding”

SONG: “Neither was I”

Subject D-54 pointed to one of the many photos on her cell walls.

SONG: “Becky was my horse, she was my only friend and we were separated by force when I was 10 years old and still so naive about the cold machine that encombrates this world. This alone should prove to you how bad this whole rabbit hole goes.”

BECK: “I don’t know what to tell you, it’s always going to be a grounds for containment and study”

SONG: “What are you in for?”

BECK: “Uh... hexing people?”

SONG: “This is a prison, let’s be real. I’m never going back home to Sedona and you shouldn’t put your hopes so high about getting out of her if you’re considered “special”. I have become insensitive to everything around me. You could kill someone and I’d just be glad that the victim finally escaped”

BECK: “Why.. why did you get sent here?”

SONG: “I have a certain value to them”

BECK: “A value? What, as an asset? What did these fucking humans do to you?”

SONG: “My bloodline. I was abducted during a visit in the Vatican, and went missing. People took advantage of my body and sold it, passed it around. I had to do what I was told to do or else they would murder my family. A bunch of people posed to rescue me from trafficking as a child and sent me here because there was no family willing to accept me. The orphanages and foster homes were all full and... the reason I wasn’t on a waitlist anymore is because they can convince agencies to remain silent about my presence in O5. A knife deeply twisted into the soul”

BECK: “And I thought I was blade-crazy”

SONG: “Remember I’m human too, but these guys.. they remind me of... you know.. not something very human-like”

BECK: “I’m surprised you didn’t attempt to unplug yourself yet”

SONG: “I can’t. I tried. Like I said, they took advantage of me. My soul is tethered to a containing central deep under this place so it’s trapped here. Which is why I’m hooked to all these wires here. They always revive you with some weird alien tech. And if I severe the cables, I’m going right into the AI after this body goes”

GUARD: “HALT!”

SONG: “Nothing to see here”

Beck’s arms were death-gripped by the two guards, as she futilely protested. Escorted back to her “zone”.

BECK, back in her containment room: “What a terrible way to live”

For the first time in her life, Beck felt this unique sense of terror about her fate. It was all so confusing. A despair so profound that she felt called to curl up on her bed, catatonically. And then, she cried for a very, very rare time, trying to compose herself.

“Looks like I’ll have to either deal with the fact I am here for years, or have to resort to brutal means to get out. How fucking illegal. There was no trial! Nothing! They just shoved me here! What value do I have to these creepy fucks? And then this stupid chick confirms what I thought?

A fate worse than death crossed her mind.

“What if they wire me up just like her?”

The facility’s on-duty psychologist knocked on her door. “Beck, may I see you?”

She sat down with her and presented contracts. About 4 papers to read, one to sign. The papers read that Beck was going to be under an NDA about anything that happens in the facility, and that she has no choice but to undergo a psychological assessment every two weeks.

BECK “So, this is what prison is now? Secret government programs?”

DR. JOHNSTON: “Well you are correct, because this is way beyond even federal level. This is part of the military. That’s who cooperates with and manages the judicial rehabilitative system in this era. But I assure you this is not a prison per se”

BECK: “That explains everything. No trial, nothing, just arbitrary arrest and kidnapping. The late effects of 2025 fascism. 25 years later and looming"

Demand Avoidance or Need for Autarky/Anarchy?

I am beginning to suspect I may struggle with what the neurodiverse community calls demand avoidance. This is weighing a ton on my functioning.

Simple chores make me feel very, VERY frustrated. I get tired easily as my body copes with it by trying to shut down while I just "do it" anyway. The sheer gray monotony and everyday tedium of the routines imposed by people drive me nuts and existentially depressed. And then folks have the audacity to constantly tell me I do everything wrong? I feel like I'm a slave every single day. 

I shiver at the idea of doing this my whole life. In the last year I went to the hospital several times because of burnout and depression, and even with me being a rather sensitive soul, I wanted too much to escape the reality of life's "normal" social and physical demands and wished to end myself because I can't handle it for decades longer. They could never help me because I live in a residential mental health facility. I feel like something is so wrong with me.

When I do a demand enthusiastically and genuinely, it's because it is part of a process or development that uplifts me. But every single day, I have to tell myself, "do I really have to take care of this human body again?"

At the same time, I think this is pathological language, and being how I am, if you know me well you'll know that I thrive in autarky and hate hierarchies.

If only I was given more choice.

I'm not being whiny or grumpy. This is a wiring I have. I am not made to do this all the time.

I Cannot Sustain this Current System Any Longer

A lot of people just take driving, finishing a degree, working, being independent and other things for granted.

The problem is that my microcosmic life has been pillaged repeatedly by life circumstances and the DF. Mental illness, quasi-poverty, coordinated attacks on my life and sovereignty and instability have all delayed what I could have had sooner.

I had to earn even the most basic luxuries, through hard self-work. Like, affording driving courses, for example. Alignments made it happen, I guess.

I just got denied for an IT vocational course. I don't have enough credits.

Honestly, I don't have the intrinsic drive to continue studying to get a GED. I tried many times. Maths at that level are too much of a headache. Everything about GED studies is too energivore. And I don't see myself constantly fixing errors anymore.

I don't have the stamina or health to wake up at 6 AM, every morning and come back at 5 PM. I always end up extremely sleepy when I do that, and even went to the doctor for this cause. All my blood and lab results come back normal.

THIS, is why I'm better off in a different social system, ones ETs may have. I cannot continue in the current conditions. Nope. I can't do it anymore. Maybe get a part time job in a corner store or whatever close to me, and learn to drive, but that's it. It's only to keep income going to save up for my car.

I am indeed planning a Mt Shasta trip in roughly 2027-ish or later. I told myself if I can't meet them where I live, I might as well go see them myself.

My life has shifted gears entirely so this end result happens: I meet the ETs.

I just need my car. That's all. And to remove conservatorship, possibly. Then I can just start a new life.

Extinction Culture

I find that a lot of "collapseniks" are playing a numbers game when it comes to timelines, like Russian roulette. Their intentions sociopolitically may be good, especially if they are just your average civilian, but they do not typically see the whole picture with Ascension. So there is a lot of grieving on that end. People are grieving what used to be, their past illusory sense of global ecological and financial "stability". This fits relatively the mechanism of creating a solution for an engineered problem. 

Manifesting a bad timeline means nothing to those people, aware or not. Some want the world to burn, and there are also pro-extinction (human extinction) groups and movements which I refuse to support. Ascension is the polar opposite of Pro-extinction Ideology. Collapse is not necessarily intertwined or related directly to the pro-extinction culture.

This is why I often think and have said before that obsessing over human extinction worries and beliefs is a bait that makes people manifest descending timelines. So my question is, is there a current dichotomy where you have to either support the Ascension, or believe that humanity should perish away with the excuse of benefitting Mother Nature since "humans" are the ones destroying her work? I don't think she wants us all gone, personally. If you truly subscribe to "everybody dies", then sadly your ideology won't matter once we're all gone because we will all be elsewhere/dead.

If you don't subscribe to the whole Ascension thing but don't want extinction to happen, and still want a better future for humanity, there is such a thing as Solarpunk and similar groups/movements. Which I lurk there and honestly I am starting to be more involved with a "solarpunk" group.

Unification of people at the cost of decentralization of resources.

About my Soulmates

Griffon is a being from an uncertain origin. He is affiliated with Dragons and Fae. He has quite the history. Being a very old soul, he's been through many different situations. He is possibly part-Anunnaki and some of his careers include IT, proofreading and other administrative and techy things, including an interest in vehicles. We met around 2018.

He has a few children, possibly 4 of them that I am aware of. I saw/heard of them twice in dreamspace. Mostly humanoids.

He lives in a strange Earth-like reality, and speaks in an Arabic-like language along with "Frenglish". Everytime I hear him, I'm in a house.

My partner also supposedly had an ex-wife, and his current partner is me.

Lester is a werewolf-like figure who is more in the background of my operations.

How "FND" affects me (and why I now think it will not fully go away unless advanced tech fixes it)

Today I had a flare up just going to the light rail metro. Here's what caused it:

• I got off at the wrong bus stop and had to walk like 15-20 minutes all the way to the station, and my "stress" freeze response went almost skyrocketing as usual
• Having to wait multiple times at large intersections (that's frequently triggering to me)
• A sort of downwards slope next to a sidewalk that led to an underground thing, so I had to find an alternate path because it was too triggering
• The "tunnel effect" of the entrance to the metro station
• Having to go up to an elevated enclosed corridor platform up in the air that had big windows (heights)
• Having to go up and down tall staircases that just seem like they're... floatingly there
• 
  

• 

  Tunnel effect in a station's wing

  
  

  

  Elevated platform

  
  
  

And afterwards I got deeply exhausted on the way back.

I often forget that my body has limits to how much it can handle in these situations and transporting myself with no assistive things can be risky because I can lose control. I almost stopped being able to go there. In the past, I relied on mobility aids to prevent flare ups like that because otherwise I wasn't able to go anywhere.

It's always the same scenario that happens. When  I go out far like that, there's frequently 'something that occurs' in this context. So I can't be "fully able-bodied 24/7 all the time no matter what I do". My triggers remain the same since 2022.

I tried to recover. Eventually, I was "in remission", but there's residue.

Some people say I'm just agoraphobic and 'avoidant'. Well, that's not entirely accurate. FND affects my sense of perceptual groundedness, safety and anchoring within environmental boundaries. I have remnants of FND now. My form of the condition affects my sensory perceptions and stress responses to sensory triggers. But sometimes I forget it can come back.

I am aware some autistic and disabled people use adaptive strollers/wheelchairs to move around because it's a safety anchor. Like for example if they have regular seizures, or severe sensory issues. I was ambivalent for a while on whether I should get one again. I switched regularly from yes to no, then "maybe". Now, I'm closer to understanding that this is not going to fully leave me. This has nothing to do with my musculoskeletal structure or cardiopulmonary health. I am fully fine in those areas.

I know I said before that it's not totally "FND" but I call it that for simplicity's sake now.

And now you know another reason why I want to finally visit my home in the galaxies.

I think I might want trekking sticks for now.

Life updates

Occupational situation

So I have two possible educational paths right now.

Option 1: I tried to find the best vocational center to study administration, in order to work as an Admin Assistant. I ended up finding one that is remote learning and suits me well with the number of hours per week - 15 minimum. Well, the actual diploma is Secretarial Studies - but they do admin assistant training included.

Why would I want to do this?

The answer is simple. I want to help create an organization for starseeds, HSPs, an neurodiverse/disabled people. I will need to develop administrative skills and potentially go for a degree to be self-employed or find employment at first (because sadly, we gotta work through the system to break it!)

There's a new metro called REM that connects South Shore, Montreal and the very bottom point of the Laurentides. 

The branch that connects between Montreal and the Laurentides stations opens next month. I just have to go by bus to the station closest to me and take the REM from there all the way to the last station. It would take roughly 2 hours total to get there.

However, that's probably only going to be for in-person exams and going to sign my documents there when I begin training, so I won't have to go there as much in person. But still, it's very advantageous to have the REM now, so commuting there is easy. I took it a few times to Montreal myself.

Option number two: There is also the possibility of IT training in a vocational center in my area. I haver yet to ask them if they do online remote training. If they do not; I would rather not go there. I tried to do this before. Going to one place 5 days a week back and forth is too exhausting, especially if I wake up early. I can't do it! This is why I prefer remote jobs far more (working from home!). It seems that most IT training in DEP centers is in person. And if they can't offer remote training, 'administration' seems to be my best solution. Not ideal, but good, despite my mother's constant negativism towards my true potential, under the pretext that 'she knows me'.

No, she doesn't. Sorry, mom, I am an ADULT, and you have never known me like I know myself. And I had to find THE center where this will be realistically doable.

We need more accessible education. While waiting for temporary extraction, I want to find meaning in my life.

I prefer admin assistant over IT. However, for what purpose exactly does IT training do with me? That's not really up my avenue. How am I going to help start an organization with just tech support skills?

We also need better transit design in all aspects and variety of transportation modes.

To commute to the vocational center by December, I will only have to take one bus plus the REM. The REM metro is personally soothing, so I can nap in there for an hour and it is universally accessible. So that makes 4 "lines" in total per day I go. Before the opening of the new branch, it would take 4 buses/metros to just go there, so 8 buses in a day. And I don't wanna do that. Who does?